Tuesday, May 27, 2008

cool made-up stuff about me

I asked a group of perfect strangers what they thought was cool about me. Here's what I got:

"Your arms are 1000 Kilometers long." I'm the less scarred version of Freddy Kruger.

"John was the first blogger to ever have an RSS feed picked up by an extra terrestrial." And none of the little bastards leave any comments!

"John plays air guitar like nobody else." PREACH ON!

"It's not widely known but John has a phd in Politics of Caribbean Nations." I'm the guy who got all the chicks down there to start wearing thongs. Bow to me.

Especially girls in thongs. Bow! Bow backwards!

"John is amazingly good at juggling!" CIA Operative, Martha Stuart regular, wife and mother of three amazing children... I do it all.

"John was knockin' off drug dealers when he got that wound (blogcatalog reference)... got shot three times and still standin'" Ain't gonna get cooked by no fools, man, sheeeit.

"John owns the second biggest ball of yarn in the world." This is only half true, since the ball is actually in my apartment and my neighbors. But we share the glory and the voided Guinness World Records check.

"John once took a trip across the country just so he could stop at every rest stop and read all the magical words on the walls of each and every bathroom." 'nuff said.

"John worked in Paris, France as a runway model until 1985 when he was arrested and deported. After that he started his above mentioned cross country bathroom trip." You want to meet some catty bitches? But I got them back. I was the guy who told the press that even French runway models smell. Who's laughing now, bitches?

"John studied the art of belly dance in Egypt. Though he once took the champion title with his patented wiggle-twist-sliiiiddde movement, he was criticized for his lack of panache..." I deserved that trophy goddammit! Dislocated my hip, now I'm 60lbs overweight and if I were to even try belly dancing again, well, it's in Revelations.

"The samurai are John's heroes." Live by the sword, die by... well, it depends. I mean, heart disease, cancer, donuts. Samurai didn't have to deal with donuts, did they.

"When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for John!!" Do I even need to comment here? No.

But I will! This guy, let me tell you something about the boogeyman. He's like 3 feet tall, bad breath, and he's got these little chicken arms... ah, forget it. He still owes me like a hundred bucks... he's going through a tough time now. I mean, three feet tall. Hello. Who's he scaring, except kids... sheesh.

"John probably has the entire "Terminator" series in his movie collection." This isn't so much cool as it is expected. I also have the whole America's Greatest Hero on DVD, too. Keep upping my cool factor. Keep upping it.

"After completing his passage through the Great Divide, John set his saddled tabby cat, Moose, loose to find his way down to the village of dyslexic fisherman in the middle of a waterless oasis as his outreach program." I do a lot of good. A lot. Of. Good.

"After putting on extra hours at his shop, John was driving his 2-seater convertible down a deserted road with a storm fast gaining on him. He came to a bus stop. The bus was late and would not be passing by for some hours. There stood three people – a sick old woman who needed fast medical attention, his best friend who he owed his life, and the woman of his dreams. He had to choose, and fast, who he could take in the car. Being the fast thinker and considerate man that he always is, John gave his very expensive, only-3-in-the-world-car to his friend to take the old lady to the hospital, and chose to brave the storm, tightly holding the woman of his dreams, waiting for the bus. Did the bus ever come? John was seen receiving his Nobel prize for heroism with a hot damsel in his arm."

That never happened. The real story, only the damsel knows. See, we killed the old woman, and my 'friend', my so-called-friend, well, we carved him up and... so the old lady, she went to the hospital with my friend.

I got wet... you know, cause. Of the storm. And.

"When John first made it to the top of Mt Everest, the helicopter he used to get there ran out of fuel. Darn it to the shortcut of using the helicopter to get to the top, he thought... He had to walk down to ask some farmers before returning with some fuel." I think this guy, who wrote this... I think I went to high school with him, and I wouldn't let him cheat off one of the hundreds of A grade test papers I had... I'm not sure.

Use a helicopter... pshhh. Jet packs! I would use a jet pack, man. Get with the program!

"John is the kind of guy that would give his right arm to be ambidextrous." You know, when I first read this, I was like "This guy is COOL." But now I'm re-reading it and I can't figure it out.

But he's still cool!

And finally, this is me in action.

Man, all this to make my blog roll. My site must be kickin'!



Ekim said...

Very cool idea. What fun post to do and to read.

Yeah, those Extra Terrestrials leave comments that no one can understand anyway so you might be better off.

Kat said...

where is mine?

John Painz said...

Kat... your comment was basically 'I'm gonna hire a hitman if you don't put me on your blogroll...' not sure in there what's cool about me... but it worked! :)

Kelly said...

Hey stilesjp, Ya got some funny posts here. I worked in retail as an assistant manager for 13 years. If there's one thing I learned about the experience, this would be it.... Customers Suck!

Thanks for the link, Dude.

*** Light up, drink, enjoy the insanity called life ***

DarkAngelMe said...

Very creative people you surround yourself with John.

We are the ones your mother kept grounding you for not playing with

Kat said...

Well Johnny boy expect Vinny in the Morning...........I warned ya